All I wanna do,

is have some fun (Sheryl Crow). Not really, but it popped into my head and thought I should go with it. Actually, scratch that, I DO really want to have some fun! But most of all I want to be able to follow my heart without feeling like I will have to crucify myself after.

It's Saturday afternoon, once again spent watching TV and playing on the computer while he sleeps after his graveyard shift at the restaurant. This particular Saturday I am watching Dawson's Creek, Season 3 and reliving a lot of my teen years through their uber-optimistic angst. And all I want to do is go crawl in bed with him. I want to feel his arms around me, I want to feel safe and warm and loved. And I know that if I do that I will get my hopes up to stratospheric proportions, only to have them burnt up to a crisp upon the inevitable reentry.

The worst part isn't the knowledge that my cries and pleas will fall upon deaf ears, and I'm reasonably sure that I wouldn't be rejected out of hand. The worst part is that I would hold myself as weak and vulnerable after. My heart wants to take over and fulfill itself, and yet my head will not allow it without recrimination.

Why am I in the situation to have to lynch myself for wanting my husbands touch, his kiss, his expression of physical intimacy? I have certainly put myself into this situation, and rallying in the name of fairness is a fools quest. But it just isn't fair.

There is no difference between living and learning...it is impossible and misleading and harmful to think of them as being separate.

- John Holt, author

This quote rings so true. I complain that I'm not livng my life, I'm just letting it pass me by. But of course I'm living my life, I'm just not necessarily learning from it, or at least applying my learnings to my actions.