What makes me wake up

and immediately want to pick a fight?

It may have something to do with the feeling of not having any control over the situation.

It may have something to do with the lack of physical outlet I have, and I may or may not take up kickboxing. 

It may have something to do with the fact that I know 99.99999% of the time there is a fight waiting there with baited breath for me to pick it.

Mostly it has something to do with the fact that we really, to this point, haven't communicated in the last 3 years unless it has been a fight. I'm trying very hard to resist the urge most of the time, but I will freely admit that some days even an iron will isn't enough to let something go.

I just want to talk to my husband. Just a conversation like we used to have years ago, about why we were together and where we want to go in life. Looking back on those conversations I realize that there was never any real talk about HOW we were going to get to those places or how he truly FELT about them, but the conversations really did happen.

Now I'm just trying to realize that he is aware of the lack of feelings involved in the way he deals with me and is trying to add more of himself into conversations, and that I'm being very impatient. It's just very hard when I never quite know if he will quit anything progress that is made the next day.